I've decided to have an online diary, anonymicely this time. Here it is. Anyway let's go, this header is already long eno

Thursday, February the 13th.

I had a terrible fright early in the morning, early being midday or so. Nothing i did was helping me. Remind me to put in a list of things i do, for no one's and everyone's reference purposes. I had not enough sleep so, as it always happens, my brain was my enemy with a bad thorn in it's side. an easy fix, this. i laid down on the sofa, a cat joined me later, and, looking thru the window at the setting sun-colored building next to ours, i began drifting in and out of sleep, listening to the Geekenders podcast (add a link here, dummy). and when i woke up (when i was woken up by the very same cat who now was being loud for the sake of getting some more food) i felt new, good, changed in a way i really needed. Then i went back to lie down a bit more but sleeping now would b ill advised, so i didn't. And then i decided to get going on this diary. And you have spent a minute reading this which i appreciate. Have a good one, stranger.

Monday, February the 19th.

A horrible OCD day - OCDay, if u will. A delusion woke me up lmao, but it was also a hint to it's origins. Which, thanks i guess. After i had not-my tea (usually it's chamomile and it's really good for me, or at least expectedly bad), that's supposed to calm, the delusions got motherfuckingly out of hand. Still didn't drink coffee because i thought it's not the right choice. But I've made it in the evening, and felt much better. But the damage being done I couldn't go back to my baseline anxiety levels and it was just ...i can't even write this without censorship from my OCD. I'm afraid to post this because it is telling me it's not safe to do, not good, there might be repercussions. Also i probably stink since I've not cleaned myself in a long time properly. Or done laundry. You are reading this, thanks bud.

Monday, Match 7

I'm in a bad bad shape, yesterday it felt like i was on the brink of losing control worse than in 2008, which was tremendously bad. Allowing myself compulsions and eye twitches and little losses here and there, even now, made the OCD so much more psychotic. i can barely write this lol. i know u can't tell, but yes, it's hard. took me half an hour i guess to write this down. stupid brain meat. however. i am taking my pills again, and want to go to the psych next week to get the antipsychotics which might help kill this bullshit. my former best friend changed their blog bio, they have a new name, they turned 30 at some point in the past since we weren't talking. their writing style is different now, more... less trying to look polite. im jealous of their new friend. and it's not like i want to get back together, they abandoned me (they should have, but like it still hurts). i don't have resentment, almost none. but i miss them. they took the new name from the name of their blog, which i find..? risky, but that'scool. also! spring has sprung and maybe it is the reason for my suffering. really need a vacation at the South Pole or a desert. ok that's all folks, cheers